I am
I am a liar, a secret keeper.
Someone stuck in a person that isn’t me
I am scared.
Scared someone will see through my charade
That they will realize that I’m just like him.
Just like my childhood friend.
And reject me, as I rejected him.
Rejected my childhood friend.
I feel trapped.
Trapped in a life
Trapped in a relationship I can’t live with
A relationship I can’t live without.
Trapped in a bubble
My group of friends
I can be "someone [I] don't want to be,
Or... someone... nobody want[s]" (8)
I feel like my world is crashing down on my shoulders,
Like this secret life I live in my head is falling apart,
Breaking down-
Like they can see.
I hear screams and sobs
Only to realize they are my own.
What have I done?
What have I lost?
I’m so scared.
Scared of the voices I hear
And the ones that no longer are able to speak.
Was this my fault?
Was this my fault?
I say I’m fine- nobody believes me
I don’t believe myself.
My life is over, gone
Will never be the same.
He’s gone forever,
Matt is gone forever
My fault.
My fault.
I see my mother falling in love,
Having the relationship she was always too busy to have,
Too busy with me.
I see her trying so hard
To console me, to comfort me, to do
Whatever she can to stop my tears
But there’s no use
I’m inconsolable, comfortless.
Desolate. Dejected. Dying inside.
The shaky ground where my fragile life balanced
Fell.
Crashed and burned, like the lives he destroyed.
I touch memories,
Every day a new one appears.
In the form a t-shirt,
A couch, a car.
Something to remind me of those days
Before it happened.
Before everything changed.
The happier days-
Before the misery that is the present
Began.
It began when it happened,
When he snapped,
When I snapped.
I wish I just kept bending.
I am Josie Cormier.
I was popular and loved and hurtful
And one day I couldn’t take it anymore,
And I cracked, shattered,
Like the way I feel now.
I am guilty.
I am the reason he snapped,
And I am the reason I snapped.
Its
My
Fault.
No comments:
Post a Comment